Now that is sick money, and I know the first thought that comes to mind is "what did you do with the money"? And I want to say mind your own business, but its my blog so I better divulge things. I spent most of my profit on poker. I also went to various places around Australia spending recklessly and I even did some stupid degen gambles at the casino when I was "living the high life." I stayed at hotels that were expensive, just because I could. To be honest, and I'm not going to lie, it was actually great, and I regret very little of it. It was nice feeling rich after growing up not exactly poor but really knowing and noticing every little dollar that was spent. It was nice to just let it all go, have a $60 meal at a restaurant if I wanted, to peel $100 off my stack at the casino and give it to a mate to have fun with, but what did I gain from it?
I guess you could say I learnt to value more things than money, which I guess is true. And I got a lot of good experiences, including trips to Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra, Newcastle etc. where I had a lot of fun times. I don't regret these things. And I don't even regret not having the hefty bank account I once had.
What I do regret is the feelings that maybe all the people that I argued with about poker being gambling were right. And maybe I'm losing. I was on top for a while, but now I'm down with the plebs looking for my next big score. I've played 30,000 hands on my iPoker bankroll experiment and I'm down around $200 at 20NL. It's kind of demoralising, but moreso, what it tells me is that maybe I'm just not the poker god that I thought I was. Over the last 6 months it's been a real ego check to continually study and analyse my game and realise how many gaping flaws I have. I'd post my Holdem Manager statistics on the site but really they're abysmal. I play a decent solid reg game but I guess I have too many leaks for me to maintain a constant winrate. My goals of being like durrr and CTS are dissipating fast.
So what should I do? I love the game of poker but lately I feel like a fish. And I know I'm not. I've read a tonne of books, I play a decent aggressive game, I browse 2+2 strat threads, I talk about hands with my mates constantly, and I've really done a lot of ego checking lately. I used to think I was the best player in the region, but now I just feel like some donk who bit off more than he can chew.
Now I know this sounds very self-loathing and depressed, and I just want to clear up that I'm not going to go loco or anything, I'm just having a lot of conflicting feelings about what I want to do with my poker career. I used to think I had a red hot go at giving professional poker playing a go but now while I've been juggling it with other commitments like uni and stuff, it seems like it's a giant hassle. I love the game still but I need to start to break away and get involved in other things i.e. my uni work and the few jobs that I have lined up.
This is the most rambley of all my blogs ever, basically it's because it's 4am, I've had another night of playing poker and getting semi-deep in tourneys for no real outcome, and this is the bubble I played that just sent me over the edge. It's too stressful at the current time, I guess.
Anyway. I'm moving house soon and starting a new job so maybe this will have a positive effect for me, a new lease on life and all that. But for now guys, keep playing, keep reading, keep doing whatever you do that makes you happy I guess. Because I sure as hell am going to try.
Peace
Styles
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