King Jack of Spades

Hi! I'm the king of spades. I'm one half of the most balling poker hand in the world.



This is my buddy, Jack of spades. Together with my buddy King we fucking STOMP THE SHIT OUT OF ANY HAND that comes across us when Stylez is playing us.

Tonight Diz Lizzle and I drove to Orange to play on the home turf of our two new ballers James "Fuck Yo Ace Up" Mann and Shannon "DJ Wolfendizzle" Hart. (These are their nicknames gangstified.) After busting out in the main game, we decided to play a sit 'n' go for $22 (no ghetto SNGs here).

The game was pretty much decided when I picked up Ks Js in the hole. This (if anyone doesn't know) is my lucky hand, and I haven't had it for months. It was limped around to me, and without fear, knowing I was impervious to being beat, I pushed all in.

The donkey at the table called quickly, then it got to a guy called Mitch, and he took ages before calling and showing As Ts. I wasn't worried, I could have seen AA and laughed so hard the chips would have been blown off the table from the sheer force of my mirth. The noob shows K4os and I'm like "meh, so one of my outs is gone. No biggie."

As expected, the Jack was the first to drop - putting me in a commanding lead. The 4 was next followed by what I was sure was coming -- the King.

"Excellent" said I, as I smoked a pipe and skulled a bottle of Jagermeister like the baller I am.

The beautiful thing about the flop was that the two other guys still had outs -- a 4 dropping would give Nooby Mc Noob a boat and Ace Ten needed a Q for the gutshot.

The turn came a blank giving them a tiny bit of hope, but alas, as I knew it would, the other Jack dropped on the riv for my SEXY boat.

That's how King Jack'o'spades rolls, mofuckers. I ended up winning the sit and go and putting the money towards the local orphanage (by towards it I mean towards the campaign for it to be demolished for a 24-hour poker lounge to be erected in its place.)

Hats carve up the Panthers

Tonight, two of the balling Hats members did the unthinkable, not only making the final table but actually coming FIRST and SECOND on the night. Diz Lizzle and Ace smoked the final table like a chimney with a nicotine problem.

The final hand was Dizzy Lee's raggedy King versus an unthinkably powerful hand -- the PIPES ("the poipes!") J9. Unfortunately James obviously didn't believe in the pipes enough and was beaten for a fucking awesome 2nd place finishing.

The two hats outwitted, outplayed, and outkicked the other finalists to let the region know who the REAL gangsta team is.

Congratulations to the two ballers.

It's just not fair.

This is the LAST HAND in a 36 person satellite into a larger satellite into a LARGER satellite that wins a WSOP ticket.

Fuck I hate poker.

Dealer: Hotgmama posts the small blind of 1,500
Dealer: Willskis posts the big blind of 3,000
Dealer: You have been dealt [3h Kc]
Dealer: Hotgmama calls 1,500
Dealer: Willskis checks
Dealer: The flop is [Qs 3c Kh]
Dealer: Willskis checks
Dealer: Hotgmama bets 3,000
Dealer: Willskis raises to 6,000
Dealer: Hotgmama calls 3,000
Dealer: The turn is [8d]
Dealer: Willskis bets 18,000 <-- This, kiddies, is what's called a POT-SIZED BET, enough to give anyone who wishes to call odds of 2:1 -- insufficient odds to call a straight, flush, or trips draw.
Dealer: Hotgmama calls 18,000
Dealer: The river is [Js]
Dealer: Willskis bets 14,640, and is all in
Hotgmama: I have to call
Dealer: Hotgmama has 15 seconds left to act
Dealer: Hotgmama calls 12,360, and is all in
Dealer: Uncalled bet of 2,280 returned to Willskis
Dealer: Willskis shows two pair, Kings and Threes
Dealer: Hotgmama shows a straight, Ace high
Dealer: Hotgmama wins the pot (78,720) with a straight, Ace
high

Patience, young one

A lot of hot-headed young players (myself included) have a lot of trouble being patient at the table. They want to get into as many pots as possible with each other and tangle with other players hands. Often this will result with people playing marginal hands in unfavourable positions.

Yesterday at Terry's homegame I decided to take it upon myself to be as patient and smart with my chips as I could, and play a squeaky tight game (which goes against my general loose-aggressive image). I'll admit it was made easier by the poor quality of my cards, but I did find myself folding mediocre hands that I might often play aggressively in late such as QTs, JTs, A9s, and pockets below 7. I ended up being simply blinded down about 750 chips after around an hour's play.

However, the thing about patience in tournaments is that after all that is said and done, one hand can ruin everything if you decide you don't "feel" like playing patiently anymore.

After doubling up with a well-timed two-pair with A3os on my BB, I found myself looking at two 4s in the small blind. Terry's son was at the end of the table and raised the pot to 800, which was 600 over the blinds. I decided to make the call out of position because I felt that Terry's son (being a tad new to the game and known for his penchant for chasing straights and flushes) could be outmanoeuvred postflop by a more experienced player such as myself.

The board brought a 2, a 6 and a K. Noting my opponent didn't immediately look at my stack but rather focused on the board, I had put him on either a pair less than Kings or a large Ace such as a Jack or Queen that missed the board.

What happened next made all my patient play come to naught. Thinking that he would call any draw with whatever small amount I would bet, I figured the only way to play him off his hand would be to go all-in, which was 3325 into a pot of roughly 1800. It's a risk I often take when I sense a player is weak or hesitant, a massive overbet of the pot to simply take it there and then because they do not want to be out of the tournament and they cannot take the risk.

So I made the move and after thinking for maybe 20 seconds he made the call with his pocket 7s which were of course good enough to win him the massive pot.

The point I'm trying to make is that the stupid impatient move that I made at this point was enough to knock me out of the tournament and into my car berating myself that I'd made such a retarded move. When you play patient and tight, don't let boredom, frustration, or any kind of goading let you get more involved in a pot than you really should be. I originally called with my 4s thinking that if I made a set I would be able to double up. But after I missed my 4, and the board brought two overcards (one of which I wasn't worried about unless my opponent had 2 of the same in his hand) my original tight plan went out the window and in a moment of recklessness I lost all my chips and was sent to the rail.

Don't be a noob like Stylez, stay cool as a cucumber at the table and watch the pennies roll in.

Anyway, I'm off to play poker with this hot bitch:

STYLEZ OUT
PEACE

They have donkeys online, too...

Dealer: You have been dealt [Ac Jc]
Dealer: Jenny92 folds
Dealer: lvbadbob folds
Dealer: Willskis raises to $0.50
Dealer: frdlvrxlt26 folds
Dealer: l0vetotilt2 folds
Dealer: 1wirenut calls $0.25
Dealer: The flop is [7c As Qs]
Dealer: 1wirenut checks
Dealer: Willskis bets $0.25
Dealer: 1wirenut calls $0.25
Dealer: The turn is [Kc]
Dealer: 1wirenut checks
Dealer: Willskis bets $0.50
Dealer: 1wirenut calls $0.50
Dealer: The river is [4h]
Dealer: 1wirenut bets $0.50
Dealer: Willskis raises to $1
Dealer: 1wirenut calls $0.50
Dealer: Willskis shows a pair of Aces
Dealer: 1wirenut shows two pair, Kings and Fours
Dealer: 1wirenut wins the pot ($4.40) with two pair, Kings and
Fours

Must have been an Avalanche player. That ain't balling.

Final Table

Stylez and Sarah were at the final table of tonight's Panther's event with 83 runners. The Hats roll with the punches at the poker table, with a right, left, right left you're toothless -- and then you say "GODDAMN THEY RUTHLESS."

Everywhere we go, they say "damn."
Five Hats and Shit are fucking up the program.
But then they realise we don't care,
we don't just say no,
WE'RE TOO BUSY SAYING YEAH!

(If that paragraph confuses you, look up NWA - Gangsta Gangsta on Google. It's the new Five Hats and Shit song. I just decided now.)

Stylez OUT

Averages

The Hats have been criticised on their average player score by team Avalanche. We would just like to put forward the fact that 4 of the Hats -- Sarah, Ben, Rabs and Matty P-- don't even play APL freerolls. Also, no NPL averages were taken into account -- where 3 of the Hats have made the top 20 in the region -- 2 in the top 6. Also, the Hats have made the most cashes in NPL cash games of any poker team -- over 20 between them.

Though we play free poker, the Hats true spirit shines in the cash rolls -- we ain't pissy free poker players, we're high rolling gangstas. Remember that.

PEACE

P.S The hats enjoyed a huge home game today at Terry's Poker League in West Bathurst. At the time of writing, Matty P is still rolling in the top 3 with a decent stack. Styles busted out in 4th and Big Ben dropped out 5th. Bubble Boys fo life! Good luck Matty P -- I've got no doubt you're going to take that mofo down.